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Gift giving. The phrase brings on symptoms of panic: sweaty brow, shallow breathing, chest pain.

You envision the thought that will go into choosing what you hope is just the right item. Something that doesn't assume too much, or too little, about your relationship; something personal, but not too personal; something that won't end up in a closet or, heaven forbid, be exchanged or, worse, be regifted.

You decide, and buy it. But the stress doesn't end there. You watch closely as the gift is opened, skillfully searching for clues as to whether the gift bombed. Did she smile or frown when the top came off the box? Was his voice flat? Did she fake it, over-act her love of the gift? Did he pick it up or leave it in the wrapping? Did she thank you?

The stress goes on. For months you look to see if she's wearing the sweater or earrings you gave, if the knickknack is on a shelf anywhere in the house, if the CD is playing in his ear.

And if it's not - it hurts.

It hurts, too, if you're on the receiving end of a gift that shows the giver didn't really know you, or didn't make an effort.

The truth is, it hurts deeply when a gift goes wrong.

So much so that it's been researched in Albuquerque.

Catherine Roster, a professor of marketing at the University of New Mexico Anderson Schools of Management, has done two published studies on gift giving, collecting hundreds of accounts.

She said the most problematic gifts are personal ones that meet the taste of the giver, but not the receiver.

"The advice here is watch out for gifts that are personal, but you don't really know the person's taste," says Roster, who hit on the topic by studying peoples' clutter - things they hang onto but don't like.

Roster advocates the "scaling rule," a potentially treacherous exercise that links the character of the gift to the stature of the relationship. For example, a gift card is fine for a casual acquaintance, but it tells a close friend or family member you don't know what to buy and, by extension, don't really know the person, which stings.

Roster says most recipients respond to an unsuccessful gift by pretending to like it. But she says the givers are a watchful audience, so the acting has to be good.

"Gift giving is a stage, and we all play our parts," she says.

What do you do with gifts you don't like?

You can fess up and tell the friend you're going to exchange the gift.

"But that puts a lot of anxiety on the giver's future gift giving," Roster says.

You can exchange and not tell the giver, but you risk later exposure if she inquires as to the whereabouts of the gift.

Roster says regifting is a no-no.

It's best, she says, to smile and hang onto the gift for a while.

"To treat it callously is to treat the relationship callously," she says.

Roster's conclusion is ominous: "Gift giving is fraught with perils on many fronts."

To help ease the burden, and with the holiday gift giving season in full swing, here is a list of 10 gifts you should never give, compiled with input from Roster, Albuquerque event planner Gail Rubin and organizational whiz Liz Davenport. There are exceptions, of course, tied to the scaling rule, so consider these only guidelines.

• Clothing. You think you do, but you really don't know the right size, the right color, the right style, or if she's allergic to wool. Beware, the landmines are everywhere.

• Fattening foods. The holidays are hard enough on the waistline without having to face even more fudge, fruitcake and Godiva chocolate. It's hard to say thanks for five extra pounds.

• Self-help books. "How to Cope With Difficult Parents" and "Overcoming Low Self-Esteem" may be great reads but send the wrong message. The receiver can't help but see this gift as a great big hint. Exercise equipment falls into this category. Nobody wants to see a Thighmaster under the tree.

• Knickknacks and collectibles. Most peoples' homes are filled to the brim with objets. You may think that recycled-art sculpture is fabulous, but your friend may have no place for it, and more likely it doesn't fit with the decor. And collectors like to do their own collecting, it's the thrill of the hunt. Your chances of knowing exactly which coin, stamp or Beenie Baby will add to a collection are almost nil.

• Jewelry. Some people are allergic to metals, and most have very specific tastes. Even when choosing our own jewelry, much of it ends up in the bottom of a box.

• Anything that needs to be assembled. When asked, most people would rather spend an hour in a dentist's chair than assemble a tricycle. No assembly required is music to our ears.

• Gag gifts. The adult party cards, whoopee cushion or laughing mirror may be funny for a moment, but only a moment. And they may not be funny at all, just offensive.

• Homemade crafts. Unless you really are Martha Stewart, your best effort at knitting a scarf, carving a Santa or embroidering a pillow will likely find its way to the back of the closet. And making your gifts usually takes more time and money than you expected.

• The obvious. Buying golf tees for a golfer or measuring cups for a chef are recipes for gift failure. People know and have what they need in their areas of expertise.

• Personalized items. Face it, having initials monogrammed or engraved on a gift keeps the person from exchanging, returning or regifting it. And there's always the chance that's exactly what they'll want to do.