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She was your BFF - Best Friend Forever.

Forever because that's how women's friendships are. When you click, you click hard. You nurture, through countless phone calls, lunches and bottles of wine, a bond that's so tight you know everything that's going on in her life, everything she thinks and feels.

You don't expect it to end, unlike those pesky romantic relationships. Your girlfriends love you no matter how much you weigh, how you look without makeup or how neurotic you get.

They're friends for life.

Or are they?

Slowly, little things bothered you: She always ran late; deep down she was cheap; a mean streak reared its head.

If it was a boyfriend or husband, you'd know what to say - and say it fast. "Hey, I'm sick of you sitting in front of the TV all weekend."

But girlfriends don't do that. Something in the air of acceptance, support and caring that go into the making of a girlfriend kept you from criticizing. The little things became big things.

Breaking up with a guy has a well-worn vocabulary. Breaking up with a girlfriend doesn't.

So here's what you probably did. You saw her name on caller ID and didn't pick up the phone. When she left a message, you didn't return it right away. When you did, and she suggested a lunch date and shopping, you said you had something else to do. It was a good excuse, mind you, something involving the kids or work or a headache. Convincing enough not to hurt, at least right then.

Over and over, the same pattern. You pulled the Band-Aid off an agonizing millimeter at a time.

And it hurt, mainly her. You knew what was going on, but she didn't. She was left to wonder what had happened to her good friend.

The story ends any number of ways, none of them good. She got the hint and gracefully, but sadly, pulled away. She confronted you, forcing a blowup piled high with lies and recriminations. She went behind your back to other friends for confirmation, dragging them into the mess.

Melodramatic? Yes. A "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" moment? Definitely. Describe this to a guy and he'll choke. What's the big deal? Just rip the Band-Aid off. (Thanks, Seinfeld).

But every woman knows it's not that easy, it is a big deal - and it happens.

It happened to me recently, a gnawing feeling in my stomach that a friendship, a close one, wasn't working. I knew and dreaded the road ahead.

I asked a couple friends how they've handled girlfriend breakups.

Julie Bridges said women worry too much about hurt feelings. But she said when it came to ending a close friendship, she did "a lot of ducking and hiding."

"I'm not confrontational," she said. "I tried to avoid her."

She came up with ways to shorten her availability.

"You find excuses," she said. "Eventually, we just stopped talking."

Karen Trout took the direct approach.

"I have trouble cutting people off," she said. "It took a long time, years, for me to be pushed to that point with this particular woman."

Trout called her on the phone, spoke about their lives and then slowly pointed out destructive patterns in her behavior.

"She got very quiet," Trout said. "Once I opened the door, I just kept going. We've never spoken since."

She said her 21-year-old daughter, faced with the problem, gradually distanced herself from the friend. "She just started creating space. It's hard. The girl got ugly about it, and her dad got pissy. It was tough to get through, but it was the right thing to do."

Laurie Jones said she approaches each close friendship as "a lifelong deal."

"I put my best foot forward," she said. "In the early stages of the friendship I discuss what I think is important: honesty, integrity, loyalty. If the relationship has that, I can forgo a lot of the other little things that come up."

But when it crumbles, "the only way is to back out."

"You don't cut her off stone cold. You don't return phone calls. You don't give as much of yourself," Jones said. "I've toyed with the idea of telling the truth, but how do you do that? How do you go to a friend and say, `You lack integrity,' or `You're a taker'? They'll stand there and argue with you. You're saying `I'm better than you.'

"Sometimes you can't tell the truth. It's better to let it die."

Not a lot of help there.

I heard about a book, "What Did I Do Wrong? When Women Don't Tell Each Other the Friendship is Over" (Free Press, $19.95) by Liz Pryor, and I called Pryor on the phone. She called right back.

Here was an expert on the topic, someone who'd been through it and whose Web site is a busy hub of stories from hundreds of women dealing with girlfriend breakups.

I asked some questions, and here's what she had to say.

How many close girlfriends can one woman have?

"I call those friends the `every-dayers,' the ones you're in touch with every day and know everything that's going on. I think - just because of the time you invest in such a friend - four or five."

How do you keep the girlfriend relationship healthy?

"We're so quick to tell men when they do something that makes us mad. We jump. We just don't do that with each other. That's a big, big part of what happens in the end. If we could address things along the way, address the red flags, it may not get to the point where we think the friendship needs to end.

"But it takes nerve and diplomacy. There's a line of sensitivity and tact and honesty that needs to be walked so the friendship isn't tainted. And some women aren't good at it."

What are the signs of trouble?

"The onset comes well before we ever address it consciously. If there was a big, dramatic event - like she was sleeping with your husband - there'd be no surprise. But the situations we're talking about aren't that black-and-white.

"We tend to know there's a problem much earlier than the point at which we start thinking about it or talking about it. The first moment you get that feeling, `I don't know about her,' or the first time you hear her voice on the answering machine and don't pick up, do not dismiss it and throw it under the rug. It's an instinct and an intuition, and that feeling never lies. That's when you know. Hang onto it, give it some thought."

What's the process?

"You have to force yourself to deal with what you're feeling. It's a tall order. Sit, and write down the things you don't like about her. Say them out loud. It's a purge. Get yourself to a place where you acknowledge that you probably want this woman out of your life. In the process, you might come to learn you don't want to blow her off completely. It could lead to a conversation that will mend the friendship."

And if it doesn't? What if you don't have the guts or don't think the problems can be fixed?

"Once you've acknowledged it, you've got some choices. If you genuinely don't want this person in your life, it's best to write her a letter that does not elicit a response. In it, you kindly let her know that you're leaving her life. You don't point fingers. You could say something like, `Obviously, our friendship is shifting, and I didn't want to just disappear. I've decided this is what I need to do.' Celebrate the good times and thank her for them. But make it clear it's not negotiable.

"At the end of the day, she gets confirmation that the friendship is over. Up to that point, she's had only hints. You get the feeling you've made closure, and not just slipped out. It's not right to completely drop out of someone's life if you'd shared a close friendship. It feels wrong to both the initiator and the receiver."

I take it you're not a fan of slowing withdrawing by making yourself less available?

"In this scenario, the receiver at some point will address the initiator. And nine times out of 10, the initiator won't tell the truth. `Why aren't you returning my calls? Is something wrong?' `No, really, I'm just busy.'

"It's well-intended. You think you're sparing the person's feelings, when in truth, you don't want to feel what it's like to hurt somebody.

"I hate to see people put in the horrible position of second-guessing instincts. Face it, you're bowing out of her life and she feels it. It's time for the letter, for sure. But this is never fun."

What if you work with the person, or see her every day at the gym?

"That's the most challenging and a real test of your strength. I think you still write the letter, say you don't want strife between you, and behave cordially when you see her."

What if your husband or boyfriend is best friends with the soon-to-be-ex friend's husband or boyfriend, and you do things as couples?

"This happens a lot. You have to tell your partner what's going on and, hopefully, the guys will continue to do things together. You'll do things less regularly as couples."

How about groups of friends? What if you want to break up with one member of the group? Do you lose them all?

"This is common, too. You might have to leave the group. It could be terribly uncomfortable if you don't."

Can you downgrade a friendship, go from being BFF to more casual friends?

"A lot of receivers are not open to that. If you start to downgrade, it feels like you want to break up, and that's what could happen. You could try to have a conversation about it. But it stills feels like a rejection."

What if you're the dumpee?

"Most women have been on both sides of this. If you think it's happening, it is. It takes us a long time to believe this. You've called her. She's said she is just busy. It's the standard response. But it brings the experience to a bad level.

"It's shattering for the receiver. Your heart is broken. You wonder what you did wrong, go over the last conversation or event. But my reassuring words are, it's never one horrible thing you did or didn't do. It's an accumulation over time.

"And you can learn from being dumped. What would you have done differently? If we don't look at ourselves and be open to learning and growing and changing and being the best we can be, what's the point?"

Any final words of advice?

"Slow down when you're making a new friend. You may hit it off right away and think she's part of your tribe, but it takes time to get to know someone. There's no need to be fast and furious, to go out to dinner four nights in a row. Making a friend is a lot of work.

"And if you're an initiator, don't beat yourself up. You're not a bad, terrible person for not wanting to hang out with someone. You didn't sign a contract."

Pryor admits that dumping a friend "goes against the grain of everything we are."

"How would I feel if I got the letter?" she said. "But how would I feel if I didn't, and I'm sitting there wondering?"

In the end, she said, "close the book on the friendship."

She's right, of course, but can I write the letter? Probably not just yet, maybe not for a long time.

Ouch.