Photo by Michael J. GallegosTribune

Tribune

Yvonne Blevins comforts her dog Missy in the living room of her Rio Rancho home. Committed dog lovers, she and her husband, Roger, have a memorial rose garden in their backyard with the cremated remains of their other four dogs, buried under flagstone markers.

Photo by Michael J. GallegosTribune

Tribune

The Blevins built a pet memorial to remember their four deceased dogs. Should they ever move away, Yvonne Blevins says, they'll take the memorial with them.

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Janice Barsky was leading a hospice-grief support group one day when a new woman showed up. She had been hospitalized for traumatic grief over the death of her dog and was seeking help.

The group was outraged. The regular attendees' attitude, Barsky said, was along the lines of "How dare you sit there and talk about the loss of your pooch, when I lost my husband of 50 years."

The woman never returned.

And Barsky decided there was a need for a pet-loss support group.

When people don't get support from society for their losses, they experience what's called "disenfranchised grief." People who are uncomfortable talking about death, don't know what to say or truly don't care may dismiss someone else's loss, saying it was "just a dog" or it was "only a cat."

But the pain is real, sometimes even debilitating, and requires time to heal.

"Nothing is quite so devastating as losing a pet," said Jon Marr, owner of Braemarr's Loving Care Pet Cemetery and Crematory in Santa Fe. "They love us so utterly, unconditionally and without judgment under every and all circumstances; it's small wonder our pets often become our closest companions."

That says something about the people who love the pets as well, Barsky said.

"There's just something special about a person who's willing to emotionally invest in a creature, let them so deep into their heart and form that strong bond, knowing, at some level, in all likelihood they're going to outlive them," she said.

With that deep love comes deep loss when the animal dies, and pet owners find different ways to cope.

Marilyn Saltzman, general manager of Best Friends Pet Services, which does cremations, memorializations and tributes for pets, sees different emotional reactions for the loss of human versus animal family members. When a pet dies, it is a highly emotional time, and gradually the grief diminishes. With a human death, often the family is in shock as they make funeral arrangements, then grief intensifies as the days go by.

"The key to remember is grief is normal and you'll move through it. It feels sometimes like you won't, but you will," said Ann Beyke, an Albuquerque counselor who specializes in pet-loss grief.

Common emotions, she said, besides profound sadness, include anger, guilt and depression.

Beyond losing the love of the animal, the pet represents cycles of life. Duffy Swan, president of French Mortuary, which owns Best Friends Pet Services, spoke of a kitten that was a present to his daughter for her fourth birthday. The cat moved with the family to several cities and was always there as Swan's daughter grew up and then got married. He thought the son-in-law would take the cat with his daughter, but no, the cat, which lived to the age of 19, stayed with Swan and his wife.

When the cat was ailing, Swan held it as it was euthanized.

"I wasn't that close to the cat, but after I left the vet's, I had this sense of being blue," Swan said. "I later realized that cat was the last living link to my four-year old daughter, and it was the end of an era."

Pet owners can process their grief in many different ways, starting with disposal of the body. Many Albuquerque veterinarians work with Best Friends or Animal Health Specialty Services to cremate the remains and either return them to the owner or dispose of them with other animals.

Local ordinances vary, but in Albuquerque, burying or dumping an animal's corpse is prohibited. Free pickup and disposal is available through city animal services by calling 311. However, cremated remains may be buried or scattered on one's property.

Dog lovers Yvonne and Roger Blevins have the cremated remains of four deceased pets in their own memorial rose garden at their home in Rio Rancho. The couple, who have no children and consider their dogs as family, have sandstone monuments etched with the name of each pet, their nickname, years of life and a picture.

"If you want to highly insult a dog owner . . . say, `It was just a dog,' " said Yvonne Blevins. "For most true pet owners, it is very devastating when they lose them."

The Blevins did their own personal memorial services for their dogs, each one tailored to the personality of the animal. If they ever move, they will take the headstones and cremains, which are in boxes wrapped in plastic, to their new home.

If a pet dies at home, Best Friends has 24-hour service to pick up the body, or owners can bring it to their office in Sunset Memorial Park. The company offers different kinds of urns for cremated pets, from pottery to bronze to boxes with statuettes of the breed on top. There are caskets of both wood and lovely biodegradable paper (made in Taos), granite markers, paw prints on heart-shaped clay tiles, pet video tributes comprised of photos provided by the owner, and other keepsake tributes.

"I'm finding that pet owners are saying to us, `Thank you for doing this service.' Memorialization is so important," said Saltzman.

There are no pet cemeteries in Albuquerque, but Braemarr Pet Cemetery in Santa Fe provides a peaceful resting spot for all kinds of animals. Marr, a former Anglican abbot and pet lover who also runs a kennel and grooming service, started the cemetery more than 10 years ago. It provides a biodegradable coffin, marker, grave opening and closing, a short service if the owner wishes, and maintenance of the high-desert landscaped grounds. Prices can range from $345 to $670, depending on the weight of the pet.

Counselors Barsky and Beyke agree that talking about the loss with sympathetic people helps to heal the grief.

"I can always tell when a person is getting better in any kind of grief, because they start wanting to help others," said Barsky. "That they even notice someone else's distress is a sign of great progress."

Said Beyke: "Just knowing that others have felt the same thing, are grieving the same way, having the same questions and getting the support of others is essential during a time like this."