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Dear Thelma: Wedding etiquette normally suggests that the father of the groom hosts, pays for, and participates in the planning of a rehearsal dinner, and the bride's father handles the wedding reception. My son and his bride inform me that they have made all arrangements themselves, including a deposit for caterers and for the venue. It is her second marriage. He is a millionaire.

I know that they are underwriting the reception perhaps to relieve her family of the expense. Should I insist on reimbursing my son for the rehearsal dinner - knowing that he will refuse and regard the overture as a hollow gesture or, worse, a putdown on his own style?

Answer: The customary ways of dividing wedding costs - based more upon tradition springing out of necessity than etiquette - do not always fit the situation in today's world. Many couples marrying today are well-established wage earners and it's very common for them to fund their own weddings. There should be no sense of impropriety surrounding the practice.

Insisting upon reimbursing your son is not necessary and, according to your own words, may damage your relationship. You don't want anything you choose to do to be viewed as a hollow gesture or a putdown. It's important to follow your "heart sense" in a decision like this. The success of your son is something of which to be proud. Accept his decision to take care of the costs on his own because you respect and love him. Don't do something that will hurt him because you feel it's "proper."

While dispensing with the monetary tradition, you shouldn't be barred from participation in the planning and hosting of the event. Talk with your son about taking an active role in making the occasion special and handling other traditional roles filled by the father of the groom like greeting guests as a host at the rehearsal dinner. You definitely should not be treated as a guest at your own son's wedding but as a participant in the joining of two families.

The independence of young people who have money is hard for some of us to accept. When we focus instead on accepting one another's intentions graciously, we find it possible to grow in love and respect.

Like tradition respected out of love rather than obligation, good manners never go out of style.