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Dear Thelma: My daughter is expecting a baby in August. She told me today that her friends shouldn't have to pay for the baby shower and that I should pay for it. What is customary? My other daughter's friends held a baby shower for her, and the issue never came up. I have always tried to make sure that we treat all the children equally.

Answer: The duties of any host or hosts include paying for the expenses of the celebration. If your daughter's friends do not have the means to pay for the shower, then they should not offer to host one.

Customarily you accept someone's offer to host a shower for you, you do not ask them to hold a party in your honor and you especially do not demand it. If your daughter would like you to host a shower for her, then she should ask you in a more respectful and kind way. If she's having a child, it's time to grow up.

Dear Thelma: Please remind your readers that customer-service etiquette goes both ways. Service people are human and deserve to be treated with respect, rather than face imperious demands and have things thrown at them, which I witnessed at a grocery store. Don't grunt at service people when asked a question, which I witnessed at a bank. The people helping you are exactly that, people.

Answer: You're right. We must demand courtesy and respect of ourselves if we expect to receive it.

Along those lines, I've found a disturbing trend facing the service industry: Customers who do not respect the appointments they have made. Whether it's a doctor visit, a dinner reservation or a salon appointment, if you cannot make the appointment, do give as much notice as possible so that your appointment time can be given away. We must respect the service provider and his or her time, just as we expect our time to be respected.

On the flip side, it also shows respect for the client when appointments are kept on schedule by the provider. Recently, my own scheduled doctor's visit was not kept. I was kept waiting for over an hour and left upset without seeing the doctor. My respectful physician called me later that day and apologized for the problem, showing me that he did care about my time, my needs and my respect for him.

It's an old rule, but still the best: Treat others as you want to be treated.

Just like that golden rule, good manners never go out of style.