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There's no way Steve Alford is worth $975,000 a year to coach hoops, if only because no human should command that much to be involved in a kid's game.

It's basketball, after all, not brain surgery, and Alford will save no lives with the possible exception of the troubled few (hundred) who want to shoot themselves any night the University of New Mexico loses.

But I think the man's going to earn his money, because the Lobos' job description and contract - coach, lead, win, blah, blah, blah - never includes the fine print.

And it's the details that are devilish here; nuances that create the extra zeros in Alford's W-2. That's why we, your pals in the media, are here: to detail exactly what kind of tune Alford will have to sing for his sumptuous Southwestern supper.

Here are some of the particulars, and what they ought to be worth - to Alford, as much as UNM.

Wear a red blazer - in public: $35,000 Apparently, Alford's new boss, UNM President David Schmidly, is a big believer in these retina-destroyers, made by the noted clothier Hart, Schaffner & Barfs. Alford might cure the Lobos, but he also might cause blindness. This money is for the personal-injury litigators.

Be more positive than an Amway salesman: $35,000 Here's the reality for the next year: Every time someone says hello to Alford, UNM is going to want him to sing a happy song about the Lobos, Albuquerque and New Mexico. That's all fine, but it's not exactly what a coach wants to talk about after, say, a loss to BYU.

Laugh at the "How'dya like your chile, Coach?" jokes $10,000 It's our own vaudeville routine in this state, particularly for outsiders from the Midwest. The only way Alford escapes the monotony is if he can point to chile stains on his tie every single day.

Actually coach basketball: $250,000 My guess is, if it were just about the game, Alford would do it for free. Most coaches would. But big-time hoops are competitive, cutthroat, on national TV. Plus, UNM wants to win big. That's why he's here in the first place.

The banquets: $35,000 The rubber chicken dinners - by the way, we're inviting Alford to speak at The Trib's Athlete of the Year banquet in May - are another mind-numbing part of the gig. When you do enough of them . . . well, let's just say they need to deliver the Tums in bulk quantity.

Unplugging from the world: $100,000 The rest of our society only gets more connected to the media, but Alford and his family must detach themselves from newspapers, TV, the Internet. Why? On a daily basis, they may read, hear or see something that would enrage them. They can live in a huge house, but they also have to live in what amounts to a cave.

Life in the grocery store: $100,000 Former UNM coach Dave Bliss used to tell funny stories about his interactions with Lobos fans in the checkout line. All Bliss wanted was a gallon of milk and a quick getaway. All the adoring public wanted was a piece of his hide. There is no privacy for a Lobos coach. Maybe that's why nobody ever saw the rumor that was Ritchie McKay.

Life with J.R.: $75,000 Few players in UNM basketball history have been as difficult and selfish as guard J.R. Giddens, whose shooting percentage often mirrored his doghouse percentage under McKay. The whole Giddens relationship - a nonstop headache - may have Alford thinking longingly about Iowa City before practice opens in October.

Talk about Knight: $25,000 Anyone who's ever played under Bob Knight at Indiana has to genuflect to the Knight lineage. There probably isn't much more Alford can say about his old coach, but trust us, say something he must.

Wave the flag: $250,000 UNM isn't paying for a coach as much as it is paying for a brand. Alford said as much when he was introduced last week. In essence, he must create a new kind of Lobos program - one that screams "New Mexico" to the rest of the country, and maybe, a state that was taken for granted by the past few coaching administrations. You do that by winning. You do that by being interesting. It may be a difficult dance for a guy who is used to letting basketball do all the talking.

Convince the faculty: $45,000 The next time UNM's cantankerous faculty starts talking about salaries - What am I saying? The faculty never stops talking about salaries . . . - Alford is going to have to withstand the heat. And the red blazer only makes you more identifiable.

Travel to Laramie, Wyo., once a year in the winter: $15,000 Hey, you do it, then let's talk.