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I'm going to write this in code so only certain readers will know precisely what I'm talking about. You know who you are, so go right now, pull the shades and lock the doors.

If you're among the select but noisy few who've spent months and months wondering - not wondering, knowing - President Bush and elements of his right-wing government are watching your every move, listening to your conservations and monitoring your breakfast habits, I've got good news.

No, it's not about a new type of aluminum foil to wear beneath your lightweight wool cap. The same tried and true foil you're currently using remains state of the art.

It's this: Scientists at Yale University and at King's College in London have learned that even the tiniest amount of tetrahydrocannabinol - THC - generates "temporary psychotic symptoms in some people," according to an Associated Press report.

THC, for nonchemists and those who don't subscribe to High Times, is the compound that makes marijuana more interesting than, say, cigars. Psychotic symptoms, researchers say, include hallucinations and paranoia.

Raise your hand if you just thought, "Paranoia? What do they mean by that? They talking about me? Cool! My hand's floating through space."

If your hand is "floating through space," or if you're furiously devouring a bag of Cheetos, the answer could well be yes.

Of course, I'm not saying that everyone who thinks Vice President Dick Cheney is at the controls of a Big Brother-like apparatus regularly uses bong water to hydrate his houseplants. After all, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get you.

It's just that there's a long-held belief that marijuana is just a good old time. Harmless, as it were. For some, it is - but for others, to quote Borat, it's "not so much."

In fact, researchers say that they initially believed marijuana would help certain mental disorders, such as schizophrenia. It didn't. It made things worse.

And while I don't want to get into the entire issue of the so-called "catastrophic war on drugs," a debate in which conservatives, libertarians and liberals can be found manning both sides of the line, I do want to point out that marijuana - particularly today's versions - isn't completely user-friendly.

There are well-rounded arguments to legalizing marijuana. But too often the notion that pot is a "gateway drug" - a drug that leads a user to seek an ever-more-powerful high - is discounted. It shouldn't be. Nor should the long-term negative health effects or, for the libertarians in the group, the gigantic health care tab that's inevitably picked up by the more sober, taxpaying members of our society.

Slowly - like, in slow motion, man, but surely - information on short and long-term marijuana use is emerging. It's not as congenial, let's say, as some may wish.

Oh, one more thing: I was just kidding around about "writing in code." Or was I?