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Review: Computer animation turns adventure myth 'Beowulf' into misadventure
'Beowulf'
Opens today: Century Downtown, Century Rio, Cottonwood, Four Hills, High Ridge
Rated: PG-13
Running time:115 min.
Director: Robert Zemeckis
Grade:
B in 3-D
C- in 2-D
Aaoooogha!
Jessica Rabbit's reign as all-time hottest cartoon babe (in another Robert Zemeckis flick, "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?") is over.
"Beowulf" makes Angelina Jolie sexier in animated form, which should not be possible. This has to be seen to be believed.
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This season, we lucky filmgoers have been blessed with not one but two naked movie fights. Who'd've ever thought?
Last month's "Eastern Promises" featured an unforgettable sauna battle between commando-mode Viggo Mortenson and two Russian toughs. It was a terrific fight, with punches, knife slashes and an eye stab for the ages.
In "Beowulf," the justifiably egocentric title character (who looks like Sean Bean but is voiced by Ray Winstone) goes full monty for his fight with the 15-foot-tall monster Grendel, who has the features of a leper and so hates it when good-looking, regular, ol' white people are having a good time that he crashes their parties and kills without discrimination.
Beowulf knows when the monster's on his way, and so, in the middle of a staged fiesta with his soldiers, he takes off his armor, disrobes and lies down in front of everyone for a pre-smackdown nude nap. (Armor is for little wussy boys, Beowulf explains. He wants to fight the monster as an equal.)
So, Grendel shows up, crushes some guys' heads and then gets jumped by Beowulf (naughty bits strategically blocked by candles and smoke), who proceeds to beat the unholy snot out of the hulking baddie.
It's a cool fight, and on paper it should probably be better than the one in "Eastern Promises." Beating up a huge monster would seem to impress more than besting a couple of goons in the shower.
It's not, though; not even close. The problem with "Beowulf" — as well as "The Polar Express" and 2001's horrible "Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within" — is that computer animation can't top the real thing. The effects are terrific, and the camera can go anywhere, but it's all still (for lack of a better word) goofy.
But the whole of "Beowulf" — no matter how hard it tries to play it straight — is pretty silly. He becomes a king after whooping the monster, thanks to an under-the-table deal with Grendel's horny mother (voiced by Angelina Jolie). Then the movie jumps forward many years, when old Beowulf pays for his moment of weakness by having to stop a dragon from destroying his castle. (Worth it!)
Again, it's hard to take the guy seriously. The hero loves to yell his uber-cool name out for all to hear. Challenged to a fight by some lowly soldier, he drops his sword, takes off his armor (again), rips open his shirt and screams at the shivering simp — imagine some gravel to the voice here — "You know who I am, you little pansy? I am Beowulf! No man will kill me! I shall die gloriously in a battle against the gods! I . . . am . . . Beowuuuuuulf!!!!!" (Or something very close to that.)
Undeniably, "Beowulf" is packed with amazing moments. It was screened this week in digital 3-D, and the effect is remarkable. The silly glasses make for quite an experience, especially when the camera gives us wide shots during the film's many action scenes.
Every frame of every shot bursts with finely tuned detail. Director Robert Zemeckis and his team clearly worked overtime to create some of the most gorgeous digital effects you'll ever see. When Grendel first attacks, a blue flame strobe-lights the scene. Later, Beowulf fights a dragon in a sprawling duel, with fire spilling everywhere. An entire city is basically demolished.
And the camera's omniscient in a way no live-action film could possibly reproduce. It goes everywhere, but the trick doesn't ever feel overdone, which is a testament to Zemeckis' skill as a director.
Something as simple as a shot of snow falling looks incredible through 3-D specs. Call it campy, eye-popping fun.
Just make sure you see it in 3-D. Beowulf's constant bragging would get a little tired in two measly dimensions.

