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Dear Thelma: A friend of mine was recently told she has breast cancer. I'm not sure what to say, and I feel bad that I haven't already made contact. I haven't seen her since the diagnosis, and I haven't called. She goes in for surgery next week. Should I visit her after surgery, and how long should I stay?

Answer: I feel you should make that call before the surgery. It's all right to call and say, "I don't know what to say, but I want you to know I'm here for you."

People are touched when someone reaches out to them with concern and respect. They can feel your sincerity, and those calls, in almost every instance, are viewed as support.

Recognize this is a person with whom you have a shared past and common interests. While the point of your call is to show support in her time of illness, the call will include conversation coming from both sides. It might even help your friend feel a moment of "normalness" in a time of turmoil.

During your conversation it would be appropriate to say, "Would you appreciate visitors after surgery?" Then respect your friend's wishes.

If you do visit, you should not stay long. It takes great energy to see visitors. Show your support and do what you can but respect her need for rest and recovery. Take something like a card or small gift that you can leave behind for your friend to look at later or to leave if your friend is sleeping or out of the room when you make your visit.

If there's anything you can anticipate that she will need when she arrives home, take care of it for her. Once she's at home recovering, call to check in on her, ask when you might visit and what help she might need.

Think about sending her cards periodically. They are great for brightening anyone's day.

Dear Thelma: At dinner recently, the host asked one of the guests to select the wine for the group. If in that situation, how does one know what is the right amount to spend?

Answer: As a general rule, it's appropriate to spend about as much on a bottle of wine as you would on one person's complete dinner.

Ask what others at the table prefer and what they are planning to order for dinner. If most are planning to order dishes best paired with a red and one guest chooses a lighter entree, that guest could order an individual glass of white wine while a bottle of red is shared at the table.

Like friendships and good wine, good manners never go out of style.