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Dear Thelma: Are birthday gifts expected at adult birthday parties?

Sometimes I feel uncomfortable inviting people to celebrate my birthday, because I don't want them to feel like they have to bring me a gift. Other times, I'm invited for a night out with friends to celebrate a birthday and wonder if on top of the $100 I'll spend on my and my husband's portion of the meal and festivities, am I expected to bring a gift too.

Answer: It's always gracious to give a birthday gift. Birthdays are an important celebration in anyone's life - adults included.

However, gifts are never mandatory. While they are customary for occasions like weddings and birthday parties, no one should ever feel they are somehow entitled to a gift. A gift by definition is voluntary.

For your own birthday, don't let your discomfort over gifts stop you from celebrating. It is perfectly acceptable to print "No gifts, please" on your invitations. A guest who receives an invitation noting that no gifts are expected should honor that instruction. It indicates the issuer of the invitation is only interested in your company at the party. If it's a close friend for whom you've already found the perfect gift, present it to the honoree at a time away from the party or save it for another occasion.

When going out to celebrate a friend's birthday and all are expected to cover their own expenses, a gift in addition to those expenses should not be expected. While bringing a gift is perfectly acceptable, people who do not bring one should not feel they've acted inappropriately.

On the other hand, if you've been invited to a celebration out that is being hosted and paid for by someone else, selecting a gift for the honoree would be most kind.

If you are invited to an actual birthday party and no mention of a desire for no gifts has been included in the invitation, it is best to honor the person whose life is being celebrated with a gift.

On a final birthday note, I recently received a call from a woman concerned about selecting birthday gifts for a set of twins to whose party she was invited. She said she knew one of the brothers better than the other and asked if it would be appropriate to get the one she knew best a more personal gift. I advised her to get them similar gifts - games or puzzles - to avoid any kind of jealousy or rivalry.

"But they're turning 40," she replied.

We laughed over that one and then decided she could buy the one she knew best a more personal gift.