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Recently spied on my Internet service provider's home page: "Best Swimsuit for Your Horoscope."

That, ladies and gentlemen, might be the ideal headline for our times. If only they could've worked in the word "rehab" somewhere, it would've been perfect.

What in blue blazes could horoscopes have to do with bikinis? I don't know. I tried to go to that page, but I got one of those "Error: Page Not Found" messages, which means it was busy because everyone else on the planet was looking at that page right then.

Anyway, the content of the article doesn't matter (and that's another lesson for our times). What matters is the beauty of that headline, which manages to stir several of our darkest fears in a mere five words. Genius.

In women, especially, nothing stimulates the "fight or flight" response like the word "swimsuit." Flashbacks of dressing room disasters are enough to send most folks into a whinnying panic. And, oh, the horror of "horoscope," the thought that our actions are governed by the alignment of distant stars rather than random human stumbling.

As if the stars would allow us to be this messed up if they were in charge. As if they'd concern themselves with swimsuits.

We face a blizzard of self-help tips every day. Everywhere we turn - TV, Internet, newspaper, so-called friends, every magazine under the sun - we're shown ways we should improve. These articles and ads and advisements become a steady drumbeat of criticism, telling us we're too fat, unhealthy, boring, short, shy, predictable, lowbrow, highfalutin', clumsy, drunk, fat, shallow, rude, vain, weak, small-breasted, big-boned, curly, shemp, fat, sleepy, happy, grumpy, dopey, stressed-out, sleepless, fat, crazy, lazy, hazy, prone to making lists, etc.

There's such a flurry of self-help that disparate bits of advice are bound to collide into unlikely pairings such as "Best Swimsuit for Your Horoscope."

Here are some more possibilities:

• Best Automobile for Your Cottage-Cheese Thighs

• Lose Weight the Black & Decker Way

• Kicking the Rehab Habit

• Your Child and the All-Cabbage Diet

• Best Negligee for Halftime

• The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Nuns

• Grapefruits and Gunpowder: The Diet With Kick

• The Hitchhiker's Guide to Thumb Disease

• Exercise Your Right To Make Lefts

• Nude Gardening for Seniors

• Oprah's Hardware Helpline

• Best Wurst for Your Waistline

• Celebrity Dating Secrets and Your Front Lawn

• Two Syndromes: Irritable Bowel and China

• Are Obscure Movie References Right for You?

• How To Stalk Paparazzi

• Best Underwear for Schoolyard Wedgies

• Internet Romance Cures Eczema

• Gum-Cracking for Amateur Astronomers and Their Moms

• The Rehab Diet: Lose 20 Pounds While Getting Some "Me Time"

• Sleepwalking Through Wal-Mart Fights Heart Disease

• Do-It-Yourself Plastic Surgery

• Worst Pickup Lines by "Poets" Who Wear Sunglasses Indoors and Who Should Really Go to a Tanning Booth or Something. Duh.

• The Tarot of Plumbing

• Never Show "The Buddy Holly Story" as the In-flight Movie and Other Airline Secrets

• Wok This Way: Cooking With Aerosmith

• Wardrobe Tips From the Patients of Ward "B"

• Bird-watching for Dollars

• Improve the Feng Shui of Your Office Environment With Sod

• Lovemaking Secrets of Civil War Re-Enactors

• The Summer Quilting Diet

• Best Chia Pet for Your Limo

• Packing To Leave: Divorce, U-Haul and a Chain Saw

• What To Do If Your Date Emits Greenhouse Gases

• Driving Tips From Dieting Celebrities Who Survived Ugly Divorces and Adopted Homeless Pets, All While Remodeling Kitchens in the Nude

And, finally, of course:

• Best Horoscope for Your Swimsuit. In Rehab.