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Dear Thelma: I would love to host a small party to celebrate the birth of a friend's baby, but I can't afford to invite all the guests and pay for it. I want it to be a very casual dinner and drinks; just to hang out. How do you ask the guests to pay for their own dinners? Or better yet, is it right to do so? The few invited would not care, I'm sure, but I hate to look cheap.

Answer: There's no way to issue a standard invitation for such a party, tack on at the end that you want the guests to pay their own way, and not look cheap.

You can't pretend you are actually hosting a party and then not live up to the responsibilities of a host.

What are the responsibilities of a host?

A host should issue an invitation that would make each guest feel honored to have been included and should plan and carry out an event that fits the occasion.

I see you having a few options here. The first is to contact a few of the honoree's closest friends, explain what you'd like to do and the situation, and ask if they'd like to host the party with you - meaning the small group of you would cover the costs of all the guests.

Another is to craft your party according to what you can afford. Have people over for dessert rather than a meal and have on your guest list only as many people as you can afford to serve.

The other option is to make a more casual invitation for a night out. Call up your friends and say: "A group of us is meeting for dinner with Carmen to celebrate her new baby. Would you like to join us?" The ambiguity of this invitation is a signal to those attending that they should be prepared to cover their own expenses. However, you should plan to at least pay for Carmen's meal, as she is the honoree.

Deciding to host any event should be a decision made with care. Being a host does not dictate the need for formality or holding a party that doesn't fit your personality, but it does mean you've decided to take on the responsibility of planning an experience for your guests. Whether it's a backyard barbecue, a child's birthday party or a complicated dinner party, your focus as host should be on the needs and comfort of your guests.

Recipients of any invitation should feel honored to be invited, not burdened by the responsibilities of the host.

If your invitation doesn't convey that sense of honor, reconsider issuing it.