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Good gracious, Bill Richardson. Do something. Quick!

Dip into your diplomatic bag of tricks, and make them play nice in the sandbox. Surely, with all your globe-trotting expertise, you have a fix that will end this racist-sexist sniping once and for all.

If you must, make Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama both come to the Governor's Mansion in Santa Fe for a summit, like the North Koreans. Sprinkle them with some of your hostage-release magic and make them give it up.

If they remain obstinate, threaten to hold them hostage until they quit this insanity.

Guv, please, we implore you. Nothing less than the country's future is at stake here. Our very lives are in your hands. The alternative could be four more years of a George W. Bush surrogate --------------- virtually anybody on the other side, depending on the issue, possibly with the exception of Ron Paul and, frankly, we're not even sure about him.

Guv, who cares about the 30-day New Mexico legislative session, universal health care or ethics reform. This is serious!

Barely days after you graciously ended your own campaign for the Democratic nomination for president, your top two former Democratic adversaries --------------- senators Obama of Illinois and Clinton of New York --------------- are knee-deep in a stupid, racist, sexist war of petty words that makes them look like Rovian Republicans.

Wasn't it you, Governor, whose campaign-exit plea to his Democratic opponents was prophetic, in begging them to avoid personal attacks?

Come on, Guv. You've got to get back in the saddle, get back on the campaign trail — spin those cylinders if you have to — and negotiate a peace, before these knuckleheads really screw things up.

In the name of Harry Truman, Jack Kennedy, Martin Luther King Jr., Lyndon Johnson, Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton, you need to grab Michelle Obama's husband and Bill Clinton's wife by the ears, sit them down at the table of politics, point to the enemy — Bush — and shout: "Him. Not each other!"

You need to get in their faces and scream, "Democrats don't act like this. We are the inclusive party — the party of women and men; of blacks, Hispanics and whites; even Roswellians; of Catholics, Lutherans, Muslims, Presbyterians, Tom Cruise, evangelicals and, yes, even atheists.

You must remind them that at least for the purposes of this particular campaign they are Americans first, Democrats second, black or white and/or male or female third.

As a former U.N. ambassador, Guv, don't you think that it's about time Americans got to decide, rather than multinational, greedy, offshore corporations? And don't you think we ought to decide based on issues rather than experience, change or who is black or female — not to mention who we might want to share a beer with?

Guv? Are you listening? Or did your time as U.S. energy secretary completely fry your brain?

Earth to Guv: This isn't Roswell calling. It's your country. It needs you, Guv. It really needs you to get in there and remind them and us all that we are deciding this thing this year, not just for ourselves or even our kids but for millions of Americans to come.